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If you've got absolutely nothing better to do
this weekend, maybe you should try ganging along
with the latest craze--Saving The Earth. OR SHOULD
YOU? The unasked question (asked here for the very
first time in another of the daring journalistic
arabesques that distinquish this column from those
who have to live with their mistakes) is: Save it
for what? Undoubtedly unasked because the only
possible answer would be: Save it for Later. You
don't need to be a two-year-old with a cupcake to
see the fallacy in that proposition. Now is "For
sure", Later is "Quien sabe?". They'll try to
reassure you that saving is a wiser strategy than
enjoying on the spot,of course. Right. Remember
"Savings and Loans"? Remember "save yourself for
marriage"? If the long-term prospects of the planet
are so bullish, why the big panic about saving it?
You're probably already starting to appreciate the
advantages of having the old Warrior around to put
you wise, huh?
Hey, if petroleum products are so awful for the
environment, what's the big objection to gettting
rid of them as quick as possible? Use the crud up,
make it easier for the younger generation to live
in harmony with nature. It's just Like AIDS, one of
those problems that would solve itself if the
alarmists would keep their hysterical little mitts
off it.
That same toddler trying to keep his cupcake
from being swallowed up a blue sky investment
scheme could also probably articulate another
squirmy little objection to saving. Namely, the
suspicion that Some Other Time might also involve
Somebody Else. Even it you accept the idea that
momma plans to return your cupcake Later (in which
case I'd like your name and adress for my
investment counseling newsletter), who's to say
that Somebody Else might not grab the cupcake while
it's sitting around gathering the obscure virtue of
getting older uneaten?
It's obviously a plot. And it's pretty obvious
who benefits. Who is so concerned about the ozone
thing? You got it, Kids. Who else runs around naked
in the sun all day? I'm supposed to crimp my
lifestyle so they can save money on sunscreen? All
these Ecosaviors want you to do is give up your
claim to the Earth itself so there'll be more left
for them. Not a new story, we've been brainwashed
for years on the virtues of sacrificing for
children. This is a perversion of tried,
traditional sacrifice techniques, in which those
sacrificed have always been young. Or virgins,
even, who have to be sought out younger every
year.
Best bet is to remember a memorable Weekend
Warrior proverb. (Or motto, if you will. Or even
bumper sticker, T-shirt or anodized keychain
medallion if you will send $19.95 to Warrior
Enterprises, care of REVOLT. Please include size.
Of the T-shirt, idiot.) The proverb, in case you've
already forgotten, is: Never trust anybody under
Thirty. In fact, it's not all that great an idea to
trust anyone, except your periodical pal, The
Weekend Warrior. And even that should only be done
under adult supervision.
And why do you think it's only kids sporting
those "Save the Planet" stickers? The stickers
usually have photographs of ol' Mother Earth on
them; heavily retouched but still obviously taken
when Mom E. was much younger and a lot more
salvagable. Just this planet, you'll
notice--nothing said about the erosion on Mars,
smog on Venus, methane atmosphere on Neptune,
Klingons on Uranus, and no ozone layer at all on
Jupiter. Conditions as inhospitable for human life
as any found around here. But do these creped
crusaders care? Noooooo. Me first, as always. And
why bumper stickers? Notice that? These earth
saviors always have cars to use as moving
billboards for their crackpot ideas. Maybe this
makes sense to them. And maybe they're all missing
a few bricks in their toilets, if you catch my
drip. So what can you, personally, do to Use Up the
Earth and Get It Over With? Just cut out the handy
little list below and staple to your nasal septum
or whatever the current fashion might dictate. For
that matter, you can take it and roll it up and
stick it in a moist, dark place to save for
later.
1. Just be yourself. Any half-assed
neo-eco-freako-geek will take about thirty
seconds to point out dozens of selfish,
genocidal, geophobic behaviors no matter what
you do.
2. Keep reading. There are scads of books,
articles, periodicals, flyers, handouts,
calenders, note pads, hang tags, and cereal
boxes with valuable ecological information. All
of it on paper made from acres of trees that
manifested a desire to be ground to pulp in
order to beg off from the boring chore of
converting carbon dioxide to oxygen, then
slathered with extremely toxic synthetic inks
that seep from landfills into the water table,
in order to provide an income for effete dorks
in New York who spend it all on imported cheese
and water that didn't sure cross the ocean by
windjammer.
3. Recycle Metal. For instance, have the next
car you see with any of those "Fellate the
Planet" stickers towed off and scrapped. One
less to pollute, one less to commute, and a few
extra bucks to boot. (Why do you think they call
it "Ecology Auto Wrecking?")
4. Organize. We need an ecophagic movement
with concerts by dozens of washed-up musicians
selling out to their own egotism, a lobby in
congress, some tribute albums, and "Eat the
Earth" bumper--stickers. Maybe some good
recipes.
5. Put bricks in cars. Just one brick
through the windshield or a BMW or Cherokee can
save a lot of noise, pollution, and ignorant
self-satisfaction. A few yards of brickbats and
voila, another one rides the bus. Get rid of
enough of these wimps and there'll be more lanes
free for you.
6. Pig Out. Do it now. Eat it all. Take
seconds, take thirds, take cuts, take out, take
home--but above all take. If you're gluttonous
enough, you probably won't even live to regret
it.
7. Burn Rubber, Bitch.
8. Support toxic wastes. You can't get wasted
without intoxicants.
9. Don't come crying to me. I'm doing my
damndest to run this planet so that nobody gets
hurt or loses what's left of their mind. Okay,
maybe I'm not doing the greatest job in the
world. But I'm not exactly getting very much
co-operation, am I?
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THE WEEKEND WARRIOR
SAMPLE TEXTS
by Linton Robinson
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