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Needless to say, June weekends are busy around
here, since an idol of modern youth like The
Weekend Warrior is in great demand as a
commencement speaker. In fact since there are so
many graduation exercises and I can't be in two
places at once (seeing double is NOT the same), it
would seem to be in the public interest to print
one of my commencement addresses as an open letter
to those graduates who have managed to learn how to
read. So I will. Here it is, in fact. Please have
the common decency to clip this out, save it a few
years, then send it in to "Dear Abby" to be
gushingly reprinted for the benefit of future
degenerations. Ahem...
Students, parents, distinquished old farts. It's
a dubious pleasure to be here today at LaCagia
Falls High School. As I look out on all these
bright and dilated pupils, I can sense the high
ideals of this generation. Namely, that it's ideal
to be high. When the older generation looks at the
history-making actions of the students in China
it's hard not to think to oneself, "Gee, those
Chinese really know what to do with students."
Here, of course, we have no better solution than to
let obnoxious students (if you'll pardon the
redundancy) graduate and become as normal as the
rest of us. This system, though less dramatic, is
probably more fiendish in the long run.
Because, in many ways, the world today is
tougher than the one we elders graduated into. For
one thing, it's crammed full of increasingly
moronic and ugly kids, all hustling to get their's
and screw the world. We know you look to us, if not
for leadership, at least for a piece of the action.
We know you want to take your places among us,
standing strong and proud on our faces. What you
don't know is that we wish we were back in high
school screwing around, partying, knocking each
other up, and doing long drugs. So let's trade.
We'll wear those dumbass robes and you work these
mindless jobs, slaving to pay taxes to support free
education for the unable, unwilling, and
unpalatable. Well, all in good time.
There might be those among you who think the
older generation hasn't left you much of a world.
But in time you'll learn the wisdom of the old
saying, "Hey, so sue us, kid." I know that each and
every one of you wants to get the big picture. Or
at least a piece of the big pie. To stand up and
say for all the world to hear, "I'm all right Jack,
get yer hands off my stack!" That's the spirit, but
this focus on riches is not the whole story. More
significant is debt. You probably think the world
owes you a living. Well, speaking for the world,
let me just say, "Har de har har". Fact is YOU owe
the world--billions and billions if Carl Sagan can
be beleived (or even understood). You were born
with a price on your head and your rear in arrears,
a squalling little deficit-spent unit. And you will
quickly start piling up new debt, wrecking the
universe to protect your credit rating. You'll get
behind on Exorcist payments and get your soul
repossessed. You're screwed before you even
start.
They will tell you that the educational process
never ends, that life is a never-ending schooling
from birth to death. Forget it, they're just trying
to bum you out, as usual. In fact you never learn
anything worthwhile, ever. Now I know that we tend
to think of schools as vast repositories of
knowledge; and to an extent this is true. Each
frosh brings some little dab of knowledge in with
them and nobody ever takes any out, so it
grdadually accumulates.
You are about to step from this huge suppository
of wisdom into what various jokesters like to call
"the real world". You will learn new lessons there.
You'll learn the value of a job done well enough to
look right. You'll learn the importance of having
nice tits and a decent haircut. You'll learn the
powerful aphorisms (and euphemisms) of success.
Like, When the going gets tough, it's tough to get
going. Or, Don't be afraid to make mistakes--only
to admit them. Never put off until tomorrow what
you can delegate to a chump. Neither a borrower nor
a lender be--the future is in leveraged buyouts.
Know thyself--who else matters?
Perhaps the most famous comment on education is
a telling parable from the Chinese: If you give a
man a fish you have fed him for a day; if you teach
him to fish, you have fed him for life. And, the
saying goes without saying, if you start selling
him fish you have him right where you want him.
There is more than one way to handle a hook, line,
and sinker.
Forget that lifelong learning junk: education is
the occupation of the uneducated. Suffice it to say
that you are leaving behind the joys of school, but
the crapola goes on forever. Especially if you're
dumb enough to go to college. Even if you haven't
had up to your ying-yang with papers, books, and
teachers' dirty looks, think about this: If you
haven't learned whatever the hell it is you want to
know by now, four more years aren't going to do it
either, Especially since you'll be older, more
debauched, and a step slower. Face it kids, this is
the peak. It's all downhill from here on out.
One thing I hate to hear (other than that
trash-ass rap music) is the idea that today's
graduates face diminishing opportunities. Sheer
twaddle! There are a myriad of opportunities for
people your age. You could star in a Rob Lowe
video, for instance. Who cares if you can't spell
MTV? You can still Serve Mankind. In fact,
MacDonalds has served billions and billions
(according to a census by Carl Sagan) and they
don't even have numbers on their cash registers. I
believe it was John Milton, the blind, arrogant,
egomaniacal, probably syphiliticly demented English
poet who said, "They also serve who only stand and
wait." And today, over 300 years after those words
were minced, there is still demand for waiters.
Some of you will want to work in a field that
has growth potential, to be picky, to get to the
roots of things, to grab hold with both hands, and
reap ripe results. And for you, there are hundreds
of strawberry fields. Forever.
I'm sure there are those who will seek careers
in the arts: future musicians, painters, authors,
ballerinas, authors. Just let me give you two
heartfelt bits of advice: "Get real," and, "Don't
make me laugh." Not everyone can be cowboys,
astronauts, football stars, junkbond manipulators
or porn actresses. Worse yet, almost nobody can be
award-deserving weekend columnists--only a select
few of the very cream of the gene pool. This state
of affairs is technically known as Tough Titty.
Some will tell you that your diploma is just a
piece of paper, worthless in the real world. No
big; when you go job-hunting, they won't look at
your diploma or grades, they won't look at your
athletic letters, they won't look at your four
color salt and flour tortilla map of the principal
iron-producing areas of Europe--in fact they won't
even look at your application. Why should they when
they can get somebody with four years work
experience instead of four years sitting around
some jerky campus putting on airs and getting weird
ideas? It's not to late to start working on your
tits and hairstyle.
But in closing, I would like to remind you that
life is more than money. The true value of
education lies in learning that material things are
immaterial; that what counts is having a hearty
heart, a spirited spirit, some lovely love,
sensible sense, and credible credit. So follow your
dreams; the ones you've never dreamed of. Dare to
be what you wouldn't be on a dare. Be compassionate
and caring to those you don't give a damn about. Be
practical and honest, or at least practically
honest. Have a sense of fair play, even if you
don't play fair. Above all, it is important to have
something to believe in. I, for instance, believe
your haircut sucks. The most important thing is to
remind yourself that you shall pass this way but
once. In fact, it's a miracle you passed at all.
Don't be another cog in the machine--be unique.
That's what everyone else is doing.
Be all you can be. Do all you can do. Eat all
you can eat. Dream the impossible dream. Right the
unrightable wrong. Believe the unbelievable
bullshit. Like the unlikely event. Eth the
unethical ethnic. Do the undoable dude. Go forth
and multiply. If you didn't learn to multiply,
learn to add fast. If you can't go forth, go for a
fifth, young man. A fifth a day keeps life
insurance agents away.
In closing, I'd just like to remind you that
only an hour ago you were students, an hour from
now you will be has-been students. You'll bop
happily off to whatever kind of future starts out
with rented robes and a dorky little board with
dingleballs dangling off it. Well, you can't spell
"diploma" without the d-i-p. Good luck.
Congraduations. Welcome to a classless society. Pop
a champagne cork. Pop several. Might as well
graduate "Magnum Come Loudly".
In closing, I just want you to remember three
things as long as you live, or at least as long as
your memories hold out. One, Get a job, twerps.
Two, Do something with that damn hair. And last but
not least on the list: Three, Shut the hell up and
make yourselves scarce. Grads should aspire to
being unheard, unseen and unsmelt.
So now, at long last, little Junior is a Senior.
Ya freaking hoo. I can think of no finer closing
words than to echo the sentiments I see reflected
in your parents' misty eyes. And I'm sure they
would join me in saying to you, "No more free ride,
punks." In closing, I would like to leave that
thought with you as a a remembrance of this day,
which I hope you will always think of as the last
day of the best part of your life. Now, get the
hell out of my face and take those stupid caps with
you.
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THE WEEKEND WARRIOR
SAMPLE TEXTS
by Linton Robinson
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